This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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