I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
