god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
