blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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