A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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