we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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