That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
