We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
