Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
So squirting runs in the family.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
