Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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