making cat noises will not fix the situation.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
