remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
