I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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