Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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