if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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