do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
