im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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