looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
