I bet he comes in French.
I think my vagina is haunted
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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