The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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