i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
