yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
