Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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