Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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