Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
