he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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