I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
