i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
