Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
