I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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