but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize