please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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