Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
