If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize