....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
