Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
