Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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