im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Found your dick twin last night
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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