well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You have to summon your inner elephant
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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