Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
