My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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