You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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