It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
