He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
