Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
