that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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