headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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