i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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