Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
