I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
