Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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