i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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