My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
