I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
