you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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