I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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