I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
