This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
