There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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